The Thomas-Kilmann (TKI) Model: How to Manage Conflict Like a Pro
Master the 5 conflict styles to lead with clarity and control
In this issue:
Part 1: Understanding the TKI Model
What is the TKI Model?
The Five Conflict Styles
Part 2: Applying the TKI Model
How to Choose the Right Conflict Style
Real-Life Leadership Scenarios
The TKI Model Worksheet
Part 3: Going from Here
Common Pitfalls and How to Avoid Them
Recommended Resources
Final Thoughts
✨
Picture this:
You walk into your 1:1 already bracing yourself. One of your team members is upset. Again.
You know she has tension with a peer. Again.
You’ve seen this coming, and you’ve (secretly) been hoping it’ll go away on its own. But it hasn’t.
And now you’re the one stuck in the middle, playing referee.
Here’s the harsh truth:
Most leaders avoid conflict because they’ve never learned how to manage it.
We’re taught how to prioritize tasks, delegate work, and motivate our teams, among other skills. But when it comes to handling “tension” between people, we’re often left to figure it out on our own.
And so, with the lack of training and skills, we end up doing what feels safe: we avoid, wait, or overreact. In the end, the conflict doesn’t resolve. It festers.
That’s why the Thomas-Kilmann Conflict Mode Instrument (aka the TKI Model) is one of the most useful frameworks I’ve come across in my leadership career. What I love about this model is that it doesn’t give you the “one right way” to handle every situation. It does something better: it helps you see your “options.”
In this article, I will dive into how this powerful model works, and how you can leverage it to start managing conflict like a pro. 💪
Ready to dive in? Let’s go!
Part 1: Understanding the TKI Model
In this section, we’ll explore what the TKI model is, how it works, and why it’s a game-changer for how you lead through conflict.
What is the TKI Model?
The TKI model was developed by Kenneth Thomas and Ralph Kilmann in the 1970s. Interestingly, Thomas and Kilmann based this on the Leadership Grid that was originally developed by Robert Blake and Jane Mouton in the 1960s.
The TKI model breaks down how people respond to conflict into five core styles, depending on two factors:
Assertiveness: How much you focus on your own needs or goals
Cooperativeness: How much you focus on others’ needs or goals
Depending on where you fall on those two axes, you end up using one of five conflict styles:
Competing (High Assertiveness, Low Cooperativeness). You push for your way. You try to win.
Collaborating (High Assertiveness, High Cooperativeness). You try to find a win-win. It’s about integration, not compromise.
Compromising (Moderate Assertiveness, Moderate Cooperativeness). You split the difference. Everyone gives something up.
Avoiding (Low Assertiveness, Low Cooperativeness). You sidestep the issue. You disengage.
Accommodating (Low Assertiveness, High Cooperativeness). You give in. You let the other person have their way.
Every leader defaults to one or two of these styles (based on their nature). Some like to compete, some mostly avoid, while others like to accommodate to keep the peace.
And that’s the catch: each style has a time and place, but no style works every time.
The Five Conflict Styles
Let’s now dive deeper into each style to learn more about when to use it, and when to avoid it.
Style #1. Competing (High Assertiveness, Low Cooperativeness)
This is the “I win, you lose” style.
You’re focused on your own agenda, and not concerned about the other person’s needs in the moment. This style is about power and decisiveness.
When to use it:
When quick, decisive action is needed (e.g., in a crisis)
When the issue is vital and non-negotiable
When enforcing boundaries or protecting standards
Watch out:
Can come across as aggressive or controlling
Risks damaging relationships if used too often
May silence others who don’t feel heard
👉🏼 Use this style sparingly and intentionally. It’s best when the cost of indecision is high.
Style #2. Collaborating (High Assertiveness, High Cooperativeness
This is the “we both win” style.
You’re working together to find a solution that fully satisfies both sides. It takes time, energy, and trust, but when done right, it creates the strongest long-term outcomes.
When to use it:
When both sets of concerns are important
When you want to build trust or commitment
When you have time for thoughtful problem-solving
Watch out:
Time-consuming and not always practical
Can stall momentum if used too frequently
May frustrate people who just want a decision
👉🏼 Use collaboration for high-stakes or recurring issues where alignment matters. Don't burn it on low-priority disagreements.
Style #3. Compromising (Moderate Assertiveness, Moderate Cooperativeness)
This is the “split the difference” style.
You give something up, and so does the other person. It’s fast and practical, but the catch is that nobody walks away completely satisfied.
When to use it:
When time is limited and a decision is needed
When the issue is of moderate importance
When you’re at a standstill and need movement
Watch out:
May lead to suboptimal outcomes
Can create a “middle ground” or “mediocre” culture, where excellence is traded for speed
Repeated compromise can erode trust and impact
👉🏼 Compromising is useful in the short term. But don’t let it become your default when better solutions are possible.
Style #4. Avoiding (Low Assertiveness, Low Cooperativeness)
This is the “I’d rather not deal with it” style.
You withdraw, delay, or sidestep. Sometimes that’s the smart thing to do. Sometimes it’s just fear in disguise.
When to use it:
When the issue is minor or temporary
When emotions are too high for a productive conversation
When more information is needed
Watch out:
Can create lingering tension and unresolved issues
Sends a message that conflict is unsafe or unwanted
Others may lose trust in your leadership
👉🏼 Don’t confuse avoidance with emotional intelligence. Use it to pause, not escape.
Style #5. Accommodating (Low Assertiveness, High Cooperativeness)
This is the “you win, I yield” style.
You prioritize the other person’s needs over your own. It can be an act of grace, or a sign you’re diminishing yourself (and letting others walk all over you.)
When to use it:
When the relationship matters more than the outcome
When the other person has more expertise, you know you can’t match
As a strategic gesture to build goodwill
Watch out:
You may be perceived as a doormat, and others may take advantage of you
You may become resentful over time
👉🏼 Accommodating can be a gift when it’s intentional. But if you’re always giving in, it can create resentment, and you can lose your credibility to stand up for yourself.
Part 2: Applying the TKI Model
In this section, you’ll learn how to apply the TKI model in your role as a leader.
We’ll start by learning a systematic approach to choosing the right conflict style, no matter what situation you’re in.
Then we’ll look at three real-life leadership scenarios, and how the TKI model helps you respond better in each of them.
Finally, you will get to download the TKI Model Worksheet, which will help you build your muscle and apply this model in your own leadership situation.
How to Choose the Right Conflict Style
Understanding the five styles is just the beginning. The real power of the TKI model lies in knowing when to use which one.
To make that easier, I’ve created a simple “decision tree” to help you choose the right conflict style.