Feedback conversations can feel like walking through quicksand.
These conversations have a typical path: you start with good intentions, but somewhere along the way, the conversation stalls. The employee checks out, the points you want to make aren’t landing, and you’re left wondering, “What went wrong?”
Does that sound familiar?
I’ve been there more times than I can count. I still remember sweating over the prospect of having a difficult conversation with a team member, even when I had all the information and data to back up my feedback. And I have seen many seasoned managers sweat over this, too.
I’ve learned that giving feedback is one of the trickiest tasks to get right. But I’ve also discovered a few strategies to get things back on track when a feedback conversation is starting to fall off track.
Here are three practical ways to rescue a feedback conversation that’s going nowhere—and ensure it becomes a constructive dialogue instead of a one-sided monologue.
Step 1: Reframe the Conversation
When a feedback conversation stalls, it’s often because the message feels like criticism rather than collaboration. The first step in turning things around is to reframe the conversation. Instead of focusing on what went wrong, shift the focus to problem-solving.
For instance, instead of saying, “You’re always late with your reports,” try something like, “What do you think might help us meet the report deadlines more consistently?”
This small shift can move the conversation from defensive territory to constructive brainstorming. A 2023 Harvard Business Review survey found that employees who receive feedback framed around problem-solving are 40% more likely to engage with the conversation positively.
Step 2: Ask Open-Ended Questions
Another reason feedback conversations go nowhere is because they feel like a one-way street. If you’re the only one talking, it’s time to pass the mic. Ask open-ended questions that encourage reflection and an open conversation.
Instead of, “Why did you miss the deadline?” ask, “What challenges did you face in completing the project?” This approach shows empathy and a desire to help and improve, and encourages the person to open up.
One tool I have always found useful in structuring feedback is the SBI Model (Situation-Behavior-Impact). Start by describing the specific situation, then the observed behavior, and finally its impact. I discuss this model in detail in The Leader’s Playbook, where I explain how to use it for more effective feedback with detailed examples.
Step 3: Use Silence Strategically
Sometimes, the best thing you can say is nothing. If you put yourself in your employee’s shoes, wouldn’t you be relieved if your boss shuts his/her mouth during a difficult conversation with you and gives you some much-needed breathing “space”?
When the conversation hits a wall, silence can be your friend. Pausing allows the other person time to process what has been said and think about their response. It also shows that you are patient, and respectful, of the time they need to process the feedback.
This tactic also helps create an environment of psychological safety, where the other person feels they have the space to reflect without pressure. According to Google’s Project Aristotle, psychological safety is one of the top factors in team effectiveness. So, by allowing moments of silence, you’re creating a safe space for open, honest dialogue.
Conclusion
Feedback conversations don’t always go as planned. But with these three steps—reframing the conversation, asking open-ended questions, and using silence strategically—you can turn an off-track discussion into a productive one.
Here’s a simple exercise for you: Think about an upcoming feedback session you need to have with one of your team members. Before the conversation, write down how you will use these three strategies to keep things on track. What questions will you ask? How will you frame the feedback to focus on problem-solving? And when will you use silence to give the other person time to reflect?
By applying these steps, you’ll make your feedback conversations more effective and foster a culture of open communication within your team. Let me know in the comments or chat how your conversation went!
References:
Radical Candor: An excellent book on providing honest feedback while caring personally.
Google's Project Aristotle: Research on the top factors that contribute to high-performing teams, including psychological safety.
The Leader’s Playbook: A collection of 75 leadership frameworks that provide actionable strategies, including the SBI model for giving feedback effectively.
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